Monday, June 16, 2008

Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday Cake!

My birthday's coming up in a few days. I didn't surround that statement in blink tags because I stopped being really excited for my birthday when I turned 14. I don't know why, but after my bar mitzvah, turning another year older just never seemed a huge deal any more. Even the prospect of presents arouses only slight excitement from me. Actually, I really dread the inevitable pre-birthday question:

What do you want for your birthday?

First of all, since when did we start telling people what they're getting for their birthday? What about the joy of anticipation, the excitement of tearing wrapping paper away from the unknown? Now, opening presents is like a formality, a useless chore we do for tradition's sake, like daylight savings time. It gets even worse when someone gives you a gift card. To me, a gift card says, "I like you, but not enough to carry your present out to the car." By the way, if you're going to give a gift card, PLEASE give more than 15 dollars. There's nothing quite like going into a Barnes and Noble and being confined to the little books of inspirational sayings near the cashier.

And please stop telling me that you can't believe how old I've gotten. I swear to God, arthritis is a communicable disease; its spread by morons who tell you that you're old on your birthday. I'm going to be twenty, which means that I'm still indestructible for a few more years.

Birthdays do make you look back, though. For me, they make me remember all of my accomplishments, and al of the aliases I've had over the years. Here is a partial list of my accomplishments; the full list can be found by going to and clicking "Random Article."

My Accomplishments:

  • Created the first vaccine for polio. FDR gave me the Invisible Medal of Honor for this one.
  • Ran the 100 yard dash in 9.4, making Hitler look like a damn fool.
  • Accidentally droppeda VCR on the Radio Star's head, killing him instantly. Sorry.
  • Grew a beard, sold Oxi-Clean on TV.
  • Invented the interwebs, which is an information superexpressway.
  • Started a fist fight in the Taiwanese parliament by sneezing the wrong way.

This is why I get depressed on my birthday. I've accomplished so much! What is there left to do?

I guess I could work out a bit...

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