Monday, July 27, 2009

Trekkie Moment

You want to know what I find bizarre? I've watched nearly every episode of Star Trek TNG, and this scene has played out at least 5 times, with negligible changes.

(Doctor Crusher, Captain Picard, and a random guy in a coma are in Sickbay. Worf has just kicked the crap out of a Romulan/Borg/Race of the Week.)

Doctor Crusher: Captain, he has massive internal injuries. A five year old with a tricorder can cure cancer these days, so if I can't fix him, you know this guy must've been fucked up something fierce.

Captain Picard: Is he conscious, doctor?

Doctor Crusher: Yes. He just comes from a species that enjoys lying on tables in alien spacecraft. No, of course he's not conscious!

Captain Picard: Can you wake him?

Doctor Crusher: Can I wake him? Are you retarded? Do you have Klingon Dipshit Syndrome? Did your mother fuck a Pakled to spite your dad? You just spent half of our CGI budget on shooting fucking magic laser beams at this guy just so you could knock him unconscious, and now you want me to wake him up?

Captain, if this man comes out of coma before his body has a chance to recover, he will die. If I touch him anytime between today and 6 months from now, his body with catch on fire and he will DIE. If I come near him with-

Captain Picard: (Angrily) Do it!

(Doctor Crusher injects the patient with a miracle hypospray that instantly brings you out of coma and makes you healthy enough to walk around and argue with the captain. The patient does so.)

Captain Picard is a conscientious man, with a strong moral compass and just oodles of compassion and empathy. Except if he's responsible for putting you in Sickbay. Then he doesn't give a shit.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Star Trek TNG, and I'm not too averse to the occasional TOS episode, as long as Kirk doesn't have to engage in physical combat. Still, the tropes and cliches that are a part of every Star Trek episode are a bit distracting. I mean, it IS a military ship, those kind of guys like standard procedure, but I think anyone who's watched more than three episodes knows that the transporters are going to be malfunctioning as soon as shit goes down, and will pop up again ready to work about 4 minutes before episode's end.

Here's a list of things, in no particular order, that piss me off about Star Trek. Keep in mind that pissed off is a relative term; I still like Star Trek more than I like most people.

  1. Why do Romulan ships insist on decloaking in front of the Enterprise? While cloaked and while decloaking, ships are have no shields. Decloaking in front of a ship is like standing up in the middle of a market in Fallujah, struggling to put on your bulletproof vest while eating a bucket of popcorn and doing the Soulja Boy dance. Related suggestion: when a Romulan ship decloaks in front of you, SHOOT IT PICARD FUCKING SHOOT THE INVISIBLE FUCKING SHIP BEFORE THEY KIDNAP YOU AND TELL YOU AN ERRONEOUS NUMBER OF LIGHTS.
  2. Troi can detect if someone is lying. Why doesn't she make a hundred million dollars a year working as a professional lie detector? She could set her own hours, work an hour a day, AT MOST, and actually get famous instead of being voted the person least likely to be useful on an away team.
  3. Speaking of dollars: I realize that Earth has no need for money, since everyone swtiched to hugs and flower necklaces during the 23rd century. But, do you know who does use money? FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE. Seriously, who the hell spends five years on a spaceship getting into ridiculously dangerous situations for free? There have been several times on TNG when the crew has faced complete oblivion; not death, not destruction, but falling off the fucking universe and you're telling me they do it for what? Personal advancement? Let me get this straight: A cadet enrolls in Starfleet Academy, which is like Harvard except with spaceships, works his ass off so he can get put on a shitty spaceship, so he can more likely than not crash on an alien planet or die of a disease so that the Enterprise can have its weekly adventure time, and if he's lucky enough not to die he just gets promoted, gets more responsibilities and more dangerous assignments and he gets shot at and kidnapped and knocked out cold every fucking mission, just so he can go to Counselor Troi for therapy, and be told that he needs to get in touch with his feelings more. The cadet does all this and gets nothing in return but room, board and holodeck. It sounds like our military, actually.
  4. Why don't we hear any contemporary music on Star Trek? Its not just Earth, either; we never hear any kind of music that isn't either several hundred years old (i.e. from our time). Am I expected to believe that everyone in the 24th century listens to classical and jazz? Where is the trippy space-techno that I was promised?!
  5. This is a society where you can have as much of any kind of food you want, any time you want it. Not just human food, either, it turns out aliens know how to make a mean pasta salad, too. Even the Borg pack sandwiches when they go assimilate a planet. So, can anyone tell me why there isn't a single obese person on the entire ship? I can think of one instance where a fat guy got on the ship, and he literally had 30 seconds of screen time. Everyone else seems to have no problem with temptation. Either that, or Doctor Crusher had some time between nursing Picard's victims to cure obesity. If you get a gut, Crusher just melts off your flab with a phaser. It take about 5 minutes and doubles as laser hair removal surgery. Better hope you don't get a fat head. Speaking of temptation, how does anyone have a social life when the holodeck can allow you to do the disease-free nasty with anyone you could possibly imagine? No pregnancy, no condoms, and no drama; finally, the masses cry, a girl who forgets the night before without being roofied!
That being said, if you asked me if I wanted to enroll in Starfleet, I would join up, make as much cool shit as I can on a replicator, and then quit immediately. Shortest. Commission. Ever.