Monday, June 9, 2008

Dream On

Everyone has a dream, some goal that they aspire too and work towards. Some people want to dig ditches for a living. Others are happy to fetch files and coffee in a law office until they are discarded like a threadbare dishrag. As for myself, I have a bold, inspiring dream, one which will come true within the next ten years. I guarantee it.

Knee a mugger in the face.
Here's the scenario, daddio: A defenseless elderly woman is walking down the street, minding her own business and generally looking as harmless as possible. Unfortunately, not everyone is as nice as I am. Out of an alley springs what can only be described as a "punk"; that is, a skinny, angry boy with a Black Flag t-shirt from Hot Topic and bad hair. The miserable bastard grabs her purse and tears down the sidewalk towards me. Luckily, I have seen these troubling events, and I am in total control of the situation. I dart across the street to get to the mugger, causing a car to swerve into a fire hydrant. I then let loose my best battle cry, which sounds something like, "RRRRRAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH." The mugger sees me coming, and starts to turn back to run away. That's when he sees that he has most definitely mugged the wrong old lady. She takes off her jacket to reveal that she is in fact Stephen Hawking, and not a very short old lady on wheels. Hawking drives his wheelchair at full speed into his attacker's legs, forcing him to his knees. Right at that moment, I jump up, fly through the air anime-style, and knee that sucker in the face with a satisfying "Ker-thunk." Then, Hawking blasts him with Hawking radiation, which he keeps in a tank underneath his chair. The mugger gets everything cancer, and Stephen Hawking and I go to a bar. He later beats me in darts, but lets me use his voice machine to pick up chicks.

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